I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
