i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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