I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
