im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
