The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
