sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
