Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize