I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize