two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
