it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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