He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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