Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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