don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize