I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
