The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
