whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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