ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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