If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
