you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
