No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize