I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
