Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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