the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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