i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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