There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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