i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You took a bar mat shot.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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