my phone needs a breathalizer
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
