Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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