I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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