why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
