Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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