nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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