If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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