Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
