I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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