When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
