it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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