Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
