So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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