There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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