Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
