a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize