You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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