Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
