I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
