You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
