I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
