I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
