I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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