Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
