So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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