Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
