Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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