he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
