seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the condom got lost in my hair
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
