Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
