I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
