woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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