this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
