It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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