I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
