I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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