i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
